Salam Aleykum waramotullah wabarakathu peeps! Last week, we posted some tips on how to become the "five star " Muslim Husband Part one, Maa Sha Allah, today we are glad to share with you the second part, we hope you read, enjoy and imitate them by Allah's grace (Ameen)
Praise her small gestures or good traits openly, especially before your family :
It takes only three small words to give your wife a compliment, and it doesn't have to be every day, but it will have an enormous impact on your marital relationship. Those three words could be "This tastes delicious", or "You look good". Also, if you praise her within moderation in front of your family members, even if she is absent, this would be a sadaqah on your part. Just don't overdo it because too much praise has a negative effect.
Remember that your wife will age and her beauty will die:
Men have been programmed by Allah to desire beauty in women. However, a wise Muslim man knows that just like everything else in this world that glitters, the beauty of his wife (or of any other woman, for that matter), is temporary. Hence, he focuses more on her other important and more long-lasting good traits.
Allah says in the Qur'an:
"..and treat them (i.e. your wives) kindly; then if you hate them, it may be that you dislike a thing while Allah has placed abundant good in it." [Qur'an - 4: 19]
Most men desire children; however, they soon witness that having children makes their wives' bodies lose their shape. A good Muslim husband therefore, reminds himself that beauty is of secondary importance, especially when the Shaytaan makes non- mahrum women appear more attractive to him. He reminds himself that the only permanent pleasure of beholding perpetually beautiful women is reserved for righteous people in Paradise, and its existence in the world is fleeting, and a deception of Shaytaan .
Do not look at other women :
It obviously follows that if you want to make your marriage a true success and a haven of love and mercy, you should obey the advice of the Prophet Muhammad [ ﺻﻠﯽ ﺍﻟﻠﮧ ﻋﻠﯿﮧ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ ] in the ahadith below:
Jareer ibn ‘Abdullah said: "I asked the Messenger of Allah [ ﺻﻠﯽ ﺍﻟﻠﮧ ﻋﻠﯿﮧ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ ] about an accidental glance at a woman. He commanded me to turn my gaze away." [ Al-Tirmidhi ]
The Messenger of Allah [ ﺻﻠﯽ ﺍﻟﻠﮧ ﻋﻠﯿﮧ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ ] said: "O Ali [his cousin], do not follow a glance with another, for you will be forgiven for the first, but not for the second." [ Al-Tirmidhi : 2701]
Therefore, do not hang around men who stare at and pass comments on women's bodies, who have a string of women friends, or who regularly attend mixed parties. Keep all kinds of conversations with women to a basic minimum, either at work, or on the Internet, or on your cell phone. Be business-like when talking to them due to necessity.
Sound boring? Well, you can't be a good Muslim unless you train yourself to obey the Prophet [ ﺻﻠﯽ ﺍﻟﻠﮧ ﻋﻠﯿﮧ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ ], even if it goes against your base desires. And being a good Muslim husband can only be possible if you are a good Muslim first.
Do not use the Qur'an and ahadith to establish your authority :
It is very common for Muslim men to pointedly remind their wives in the first few days after marriage, of the Qur'anic verses and ahadith declaring their superiority and special rights over her. The most common reminders are: the husband's right to take up to four wives, without his wife's consent; the hadith that if prostration were permissible to other than Allah, the Muslim woman would be commanded to prostrate to her husband; the fact that Islam gives the husband the exclusive right to issue divorce verbally, call her for sexual intimacy at any inopportune time, or restrain her movement outside the house, even for visiting her blood relatives.
So many Muslim women I know were told by their husbands in the first month of marriage that they could only visit their parents for such-and-such number of days per month, and they could of course not work or study, even if they were involved in righteous Da'wah work or religious education, only once or twice a week.
What impact does this action - of reminding your wife of your superior rights - have on the innocent and well-meaning Muslim girl who has come to your house? What will she think of you, if you say these things to her? What does saying such things to her imply about you as a person? Definitely, that you, as a man, are insecure, and are using your Islamic rights in a feeble attempt to establish authority over her. A man who is self-confident and righteous will never use this inappropriate method to try to overshadow and dominate his wife. He doesn't feel insecure in his status as her husband; he does not think that the only way to "have her all to himself" is to trap her in his house, making her serve him all day like a personal valet.
Therefore, a good Muslim husband should never remind his wife of his higher status, unless she persistently disobeys him or does actions that are forbidden by Allah. The best way to make her obey you is to let her have everything she wants -- within Islamic limits of course -- and to focus on giving her, her rights, over and above what she deserves. She will then automatically become the devoted, faithful and obedient wife that you want her to be.
Your wife's adherence to religious obligations and her education are your responsibility:
After years of marriage, eventually a time comes when most Muslims husbands have no idea how their wives spend their days. It doesn't bother them to know that their bored wives gossip for hours on the phone, watch excessive movies and television, or waste time doing window shopping, attending ladies' lunches or tea-parties, or hip-hopping from the mall to the tailor to get new outfits made.
A good Muslim husband is aware that his wife's secular and religious education is his responsibility. He knows that Allah will question him about this, so he strives to make sure that his wife gains knowledge of the Qur'an and attends sermons, halaqah's , seminars or workshops for gaining knowledge of Islam. He also spends on her secular education, if she wants to pursue a degree.
It is imperative that the husband make his wife fulfill the obligations of Islam, by using gentle reminders and arranging her education about Islam. He should ensure that she performs the five daily prayers on time, fasts during Ramadan, pays the zakaah on her gold/silver/money, and wears modest clothing with hijab in front of men. She should also be taught how to recite the Qur'an properly, and trained in implementing the essential principles of Islamic character-building in the upbringing of her children.
Keep unnecessary jealousy in check :
A point to note is that being concerned about your wife's activities and pastimes does not justify spying on her or being unnecessarily suspicious, overbearing and nosy about her affairs. Let her have a productive and intellectual life during the day. Your job is to fulfill your responsibility of her religious character-building, but do this by dealing with her in the most beautiful manner.
It is of course, one of the lowest deeds, to suspect your wife of displaying her beauty or flirting with other men without any credible evidence. Pathological jealousy is a disease that destroys love between a husband and wife. Don't mix the praiseworthy "ghiyarah " [protectiveness from harm and from falling into sin] that Muslim men should possess about their families, with this poisonous jealousy. Remember that to slander a chaste woman in any way, is a grave sin that incurs Allah's wrath.
Maintain her privacy from your family:
Most husbands cannot afford separate accommodation during the first years of marriage, even though this is a right of the wife (especially if she comes from an affluent family), necessitating living with the husband's family in the same house for a few years.
A good Muslim husband should manage matters in such a way, by having diplomatic negotiations with everyone in the house, that his wife's privacy is maintained. This is especially important if his brothers, uncles, male cousins or male servants are dwelling freely within the house, frequenting the same kitchen and sitting room. Many families bring their daughter-in-law home after her marriage, without realizing that from now on, proper measures need to be observed in order to follow the Prophet Muhammad's [ ﺻﻠﯽ ﺍﻟﻠﮧ ﻋﻠﯿﮧ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ ] advice:
It was narrated from Uqbah Bin Amir [may Allah be pleased with him] that Allah's Messenger [ﺻﻠﯽ ﺍﻟﻠﮧ ﻋﻠﯿﮧ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ ] said, "Beware of entering upon women." A man from the Ansar said, "O Messenger of Allah! What about the in-law?" He said, "The in-law is death."
[Sahih Al-Bukhari , Sahih Muslim ]
This hadith implies how careful a Muslim husband should be about his male relatives entering upon his wife, especially in her private space (such as her bedroom). You as a husband, can ensure the following:
Ask your family to not enter your wife's room unless she approves e.g. when she's lying down, or if she has closed the door.
Ask your brothers not to hover outside her bedroom door.
No one should rummage through her cupboard or handbag unless she approves.
She should not be ‘deliberately' overheard when she's talking on the phone.
If she has gone somewhere with your permission, everyone else in the house needn't know where she's gone and for how long.
Her laundry should not be hung in a place where your male relatives can see her personal garments.
Sometimes, she should be allowed to eat her meals in privacy with you, where she will be comfortable. Note that scholars opine that the husband cannot force his wife to have all her meals with her in-laws. If she does so happily, it is praiseworthy and recommended.
Lastly, don't reveal her secrets or personal affairs to your family members. If they ask too many questions, make it politely clear that this kind of questioning behavior is not right.
Respect her family:
Never unnecessarily degrade or demean any of her relatives, by pointing out their faults or making fun of them. If someone from her family is being unreasonable, by interfering in your matters or intimidating her against you, you can intervene to stop this action. However, always be polite and respectful to them.
Don't stand by mutely if your family members oppress your wife :
The mother-in-law makes the heavily pregnant daughter-in-law cook the bread on the hot stove, while the husband sits at the dining table, waiting, along with the rest of the family. The sick daughter-in-law is made to bring in the heavy laundry load as she winces with pain, but the husband sits with his family watching TV. The aunt-in-law comes for a visit and constantly criticizes his wife's culinary skills in front of him, but he pretends he doesn't hear.
How often do we see this scenario in our joint family households? What should a good Muslim husband do?
He should quietly get up and help his wife, politely say something in her defense, or ask her to stop doing the work and take over himself. I guarantee that his family members might not like this action of his, and they will expect his wife to refuse his help, but the husband and wife should stick together as a team. Eventually the message will go across, and the in-laws will know that his wife is not their servant, but a member of the family who should be cared for.
